It was my birthday last week and this year I did something I have not done for a very long time. I did what I "felt" like doing. In fact it "felt" so right I did this for nearly a whole week. You could call it a vacation, but it really wasn't like that. I have been gradually moving in this direction for some time now. I have been paying a lot of attention to my breath in meditation and in my daily activities. This follows a 13 year on again off again period of study and a 10 year practice of non-attachment to various things for defined periods of time. Also I was fortunate to inherit access to a great library of Buddhist works over the past year and have been taking great advantage of that. I am seriously considering taking refuge as a Buddhist, to seek to become a Bodhisattva, but that is a longer discussion. For now let's just say I am fascinated with the idea of training my mind with the help of a 2,500 year lineage of contemplative practice.

Generally in our lives we take a grasping approach. Trying to attach ourselves to different situations in order to achieve security. Either we are being fed by someone or we are feeding others... The urge to commitment – that we would like to “belong,” be somebody’s child, or that we would like them to be our child – is seemingly powerful. I am working hard at being comfortable with my way of being in the world, accepting it instead of fighting it, and instead being open to what has been presented to me right now. I am working hard at not being attached to outcomes I have imagined, nor distraught at pathways that did not materialize. This is not intended to be a selfish thing. Rather I am striving to act with "compassion" in the Buddhist sense. According to Chogyam Trungpa:

"When a person is both wise and compassionate, his actions are very skillful and radiate enormous energy. This skillful action is referred to as upaya, “skillful means.” Here “skillful” does not mean devious or diplomatic. Upaya just happens in response to a situation. If a person is totally open, his response to life will be very direct, perhaps even outrageous from a conventional point of view, because “skillful means” does not allow any nonsense. It reveals and deals with situations as they are: it is extremely skillful and precise energy..."

OK Mark that's all well and good, but it still sounds pretty selfish and an excuse for doing whatever you want. To be honest this is the hard part. Chogyam Trungpa continues:

"But true compassion is ruthless from ego's point of view, because it does not consider ego's drive to maintain itself. It is "crazy wisdom." It is totally wise, but it is crazy as well, because it does not relate to ego's literal and simple minded attempts to secure its own comfort... "

To be continuously on alert for my own motivations in this regard is what sets this approach apart. Am I acting in some way to satisfy my ego or because it is an open and honest response to a situation as it is? If I am not attached to an outcome I am freer to let it go and if it stays, well then maybe it was meant to be. In this regard, I'm often reminded of strategies of negotiation. If I am able to walk away from a deal and move on to something else I am in a much better bargaining situation. In this case, the bargain is with myself - to leave my self aside.